Friday, January 18, 2008

Super Helicopters and German Rappers and Crunk Teeth

Hey ho!
It's Friday night, non Blondie is working again and I'm bored at home. Life is sucky.

Luckily, there's distractions. I came home in a proper shit of a mood. I was going to go to the gym, but was too fucked off and I've ended up doing nothing.
Which brought me to here, the couch.
Which is where the distractions began.
The first distraction was the television show Airwolf, which randomly showed up on screen, possibly courtesy of my flatmate's poor taste.
Airwolf is the perfect combination of the worst acting, the stupidest plots and the best eyewear 1984 had to offer.

White suit guy's all like 1980's heli-pirate real estate agent or something.

This from imdb:
"Airwolf is a high tech helicopter created by a government agency called "THE FIRM". The scientist who created it, is also a bit deranged, he steals it and takes it to Libya. Deputy Director Michael Colesmith Briggs, codenamed Archangel, who oversaw the Airwolf project has to try and get it back. Stringfellow Hawke, the only other man other than the creator who knows how to fly Airwolf, is recruited by Archangel to go to Libya to try and get it back. Only problem is that Hawke is a bit of a loner and an introvert, and his fee for doing this job is that THE FIRM must locate his brother, who is MISSING IN ACTION in Vietnem, dead or alive"

Best. Storyline. Ever.
No doubt such a storyline leads to all kinds of conundrums. Luckily, no one knows how to blow up conundrums like secret agent dudes in super-helicopters!
I watched for five minutes and then distraction number two popped up.

Now I'm not that much of a fan of this gangsta rap nonsense. It's uber gay. Pimps and hoes and guns and knives and skunk and Cristal and caps and cribs and crack and lederhosen.
Yep, today's Guardian brings in the tale of a German rapper who goes by the moniker Massiv.

Summoning the power of Pec-Tiger, Massiv grew some shitty facial hair instantaneously.

He's been admitted to hospital after being shot in a supposed gang fight, with a bullet apparently grazing his shoulder. Police suspect however, that it was actually fabricated by Massiv and his posse to gain some street cred.
Which makes sense considering that "until two years ago the singer, who has convictions for drug dealing and threatening people with knives, was living in a one-room flat with his parents and sister..."
HA! That's so gangsta. A playa has to start somewhere though, I guess.

And no wonder all the haters be trying to stop him when he's rhyming like this:

"Here in the ghetto no one is satisfied with 300 euro a month benefit after deductions."

Fucking lol. How's that for flow!
It's like in the US how all the drug ads have a 20 second disclaimer detailing all the contraindications and fine print.
When he's rappin' bout dem bitches, I bet he'd be all like:

"I'm pimpin ass out, like bratwurst from a tin.
And i'm rollin' wid da money all dem bitches bringin' in....
Although they work no more than 4 hours straight, without a 15 minute break as required by the Working Time legislation, motherfuckers. Ho!"

Surely it would take more than a bullet graze to earn street cred in Germany. I mean, they make gang-fight bullet-graze fisting-porn over there, so I'm tipping he'd have to at least fellate a dog at the same time if he wanted to drum up some publicity.

But then, he'd probably have to take out his crunk teeth to do that... Conundrum!!!

We need Airwolf back to sort out this one!


Anonymous said...

RE: Gangsta Crap.
Shame he didn't miss and enter the Darwin Awards Honorary Mention for Idiocy. Hey?


jiminycricket said...

Hi Kae,
It's true, I think Massiv would be a prime suspect for that award.
As well as other less savoury things!