Wednesday, January 30, 2008

My colleagues, on Australia:

You know when sometimes you're roped into something so absurd that it angers you because now you're implicated in a conversation that will go down as being one of the single most retarded things of all time?

Female Coworker1 (FCW1): Oh, I vomited once when I was underwater.

Female Coworker2 (FCW2): Oooh, gross! How?

FCW1: Well I was over in Australia (gesturing across the room towards me, because apparently, I'm Australia in it's entirety) and I was snorkelling on the Great Barrier Reef and we'd had too much to drink the night before and I had the urge to throw up, so i pulled my snorkel out and vomited in the water.

FCW2: Oh that's disguting.

FCW1: Yeah i know, and then all the fish came up and were just eating it like 'chomp chomp chomp'. (Making chomping gestures with hand in front of her face)

FCW2: (Even more alarmed) Ewwww!

FCW1: Yeah they were like those little silver fish... (Pauses, shouts at me) Hey Jiminy, you know those silver fish that they have over there?(Placing hands about 30 cm apart which I assume serves to indicate the approximate size of the fish.)

Me: They have silver fish everywhere, FCW1.

Trying to identify a specific type of fish with 'silver' being the only descriptor is like trying to find a restaurant in India with 'unhygenic' as your sole clue. And no 'sole' wasn't intended as a fish pun. But it can be now I noticed it.

FCW1: Yeah, but you know the ones in Australia that swim around and then they'll be under a jetty in the shade?

Me: (Incredulously) Are you serious? It could have been a million types of fish. I mean, nearly all fish are silver and I don't know what fish you saw under a jetty. I have no idea what you're talking about.

FCW1: Oh well... (Then to FCW2) Yeah, well anyway., these fish were just swarming around eating all the vomit. It was crazy! (Doing 'swimming fish' AND chomping gestures with hands)

Oh. My. God.


Fever Dog said...

Oh come now, surely she was talking about that very specific swimming-vomit-eating silver fish, I can't believe you're acting like you don't know what she meant.

I once had the opportunity to overhear a conversation regarding Australia. Colleague 1 had been surprised to learn that Australia had fought in World War 2. She asked, incredulously, what side they fought on.

Mars said...

ooh me! me! weird... i had some fucker ask me last week if 'we vomited in australia'. THE FUCK? i just walked away.

jiminycricket said...

FD: haha... Yes, i was being coy. I totally knew she was talking about the Pacific Sputum Herring.
I can't believe your colleague didn't know that Australia fought in the war or even which side we fought on! That's shameful. Kindly backhand this person for me. It disappoints me that people don't have a clue about things like that sometimes...

Yes, you can have a turn Mars. I think the best response to a fucktard question like that is just to vomit on them.
Do you vomit in Australia? What a half-wit! No, because in Australia we don't have mouths, we just absorb nutrients by osmosis, so if we do 'vomit' as you call it Captain Dumbass, we just seep out of our membranes.
How can people be so dumb? I seriously think anyone who asks questions like that should be culled immediately to help the rest of the gene pool.

Anonymous said...

My old boss used to ask me to pick from the wine list at posh work dinners complete with visiting clients etc. 'because you're australian'. Yeah, australian and don't drink wine and know so little about it I couldn't for sure tell you if a pinot is a red or a white. He point blank refused to believe I didn't know anything about it. God knows what crap I ordered, in the end I used to just go for something with an animal on the label. For my own amusement.

jiminycricket said...

Hahaha. How shameful! An Australian that isn't a wine expert! How could that be possible? People are so daft sometimes.
I think when in doubt always choose something that is of amusement to yourself. At least that way when they complain that the wine is horrible, you can look at the picture of a swan on the label and laugh away in your head. 'Hehe... A swan.'

Anonymous said...

So, FCW1's new nic is eclipse? 'Cos she's bright as a blackout?


jiminycricket said...

Kae! That's some serious burnsauce on FCW1 right there!
It's a very apt nickname though. I think I could actually call her eclipse and get away with it by making up some bullshit back-story. Like how she's an celestial phenomena or something.
Although, it may get me into trouble as she's a...err.. larger-framed lady and as such, 'Eclipse' may be taken to mean something a whole lot meaner. And everyone knows I'm not one for being mean... Right, you guys?

non-Blondie said...

hahaha no Mars, we don't vomit. We spew, munt and chunder. And sometimes blow chunks. Depends how much XXXX was drunk.

Boy on a bike said...

Saw a Jap chunder under water once - as in about 10 metres underwater. Stupid bastard spent all morning getting his scuba gear together and by the time he jumped over the side of the boat, he was really sea sick.

I was going up at the time, and as I passed him, he took out his regulator and did an enormous underwater spew. I had to blow the emergency toggle on his BC to get him to the surface.

His buddy took one look at the spew in the water, and the next thing you know, he spewed into his regulator. Nothing like watching bubbles and chunks come out of the exhaust valves. Had to grab him and take him up too.

Have you ever done a huge beer and pizza spew from up high, like off a first floor balconey? Know how it explodes outwards when it hits the ground? Well, an underwater spew is even more spectacular.

jiminycricket said...

Girlfriend: Yuck, Four X? Vomit.

BoaB: That's awesome... I can only imagine the glorious forms an underwater spew might take.
So Scuba stands for self contained underwater barfing apparatus, yeah?
I vomited off a balcony once and it went in people's shoes and a fishpond.