Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Gym-iny Cricket

Ah the gym......
A place where like-minded people can gather, exercise and together, work towards their goals of ultimately achieving a healthier lifestyle and being a fitter/stronger/faster/slimmer person.
HA! Yeah right!
I was never really into gyms. Growing up, I was pretty isolated out on the farm... Not too much in the way of fitness centres. Nonetheless, I was and still am fairly fit and active. I played footy at an interstate level, I play mixed netball in a well regarded comp(Shush, it's an awesome game and if you're hating at me, I don't care), I snowboard, I slalom waterski and I run. Plus I did half-finish a degree in exercise science... That must count for something? It doesn't? Crap.
When I was younger the closest gym to me was about a 25 minute drive away. Unfortunately, the town the gym was located in had a... how do I do this tactfully... particularly unpleasant group of Italians that had a pretty rough reputation.
I hated them and unfortunately, the gym was their home. I mean, where else can one go to oil up their muscles, whistle at other guy's girlfriends whilst the guy is standing right there (it happened) and generally impose yourself on normal, easygoing people.
This bought about a distinct disdain for this particular gym and until I had settled in here in the UK (and by settled, I mean put on a bad number of kilos) I never ever wanted to go to a gym again.
Aforementioned kilos necessitated a gym membership however, and I joined the local one. Committing to pay a ridiculous amount to pick up heavy things and run on the spot inside their building, I pushed my hatred of gyms aside and entered with an open mind.
Which was promptly jammed shut.
My gym schedule consists of the following: free weights, treadmill, rowing machine, the circuit room and occasionally a yoga/body balance class.
I don't ask for much and I'm fairly autonomous, however there's another group of twats who've made my new gym their home.

"In just twelve weeks, you too can become a smarmy asshole! Wait.. What? You can see my wang? Shit."

This time it's the Polish Mafia. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not stereotyping or anything of the sort, it's just that this particular group of 8 or so guys really fucking shit me.
I sit on an empty bench and pick up some weights.
"Escoos me.. You be long?"
Yes I will be. I just sat down, so wait your fucking turn. Asshole.
So then the intimidation starts. Whilst I'm lying on the bench lifting away, one of them comes and stands right beside me, flexing and posing as he looks intently into the mirror.
Again, another of them will come up and ask "You be there much longer?"
Fuck. Right. Off.
I've been on here for 5 minutes, there's 50 other things you could be doing, but you've decided you want my bench.
It's horrible, the entire weights area is like their own little masturbatorium where they all stand around flexing and stroking each others biceps whilst rubbing their tiny steroid-shrunken hard ons.
OK, the last bit's not true, but the rest is.
They insist on yelling with every single rep. Bwoa! Bwoa! Bwoa! Bwoa! Ad infinitum.
Yes, we get it. You're lifting a heavy thing. Well done.
Not only that but they all walk around hissing when they exhale and standing over anyone else that's working out.
I think it might be a testosterone overload and they have to vent the excess hormone before they rupture a deltoid or something.
Why do people have to bring so much attitude to the gym?
No wonder there's women's-only gyms... If I was a girl, there's no way I'd want these assholes ogling me every time I walked past.
Can't people just work out without having to flex in the mirror every two reps?

Anyways enough of the ranting... I just had to get it out of the system.

Aside from the Polish Mafia. I like the gym. And now non-Blondie is working some nights, I get really bored, so the gym is a good place to whittle away the time.
Plus I can probably score some cheap horse steroids!

An aside: You know how the hole in a donut is like a little puckered kind of shape? Is it just me or does anyone else think big weightlifter guys look like a whole bunch of donut holes stuck together? Annoying, veiny donut holes. Ha! Best insult ever.

Anyone else have a issue with assholes at the gym? If so, any suggestions for disbanding/eradicating said assholes? Aside from 'Bring the pain' cos that's probably not likely to happen.


Amanda said...

Urgh. We have some body builder type guys in our gym, but I haven't noticed them being particularly obnoxious like that. People don't tend to hover over equipment, waiting for you to move. I don't think I could use a gym like that. I'm in a pretty small gym though, and they make an effort to get girls doing weights when they join, so maybe there's more girls in the weights room than the average gym, so the testosterone filled guys are balanced out and toned down a little?

I'd probably just glare and stay on there as long as I could to piss them off, but then I'm a girl and can get away with it.

jiminycricket said...

Your gym sounds good! It does sound like there's a kind of oestrogen/testosterone equilbrium in the air.
I wish mine was like that.
I've tried glaring at them but all the steroids mean they even have muscles on their eyelids, so they probably can't see me glaring anyways...
Oh well... I'll continue to keep to myself and go about my business. When i get home, I'm so buying all my own gym equipment so i don't have to deal with junk like this!

non-Blondie said...

Yeah, my trainer (baldy) said most of them do take steroids. They're freaks. And it really annoys me that the womens gym is located right near the weights area, so we have to walk past them and get ogled and generally made to feel uncomfortable anyway. Kinda defeats the purpose of the designated womens room I feel!

Oh and the kickboxers - that totally HAVE to use the area just outside the studio for practising their kicks (and a lot of heavy duty grunting) right before a class starts so they have a captive audience to marvel at their skills. Too bad it's mostly a bunch of old women waiting for yoga who couldn't give a crap.

Also hate when people try to take a look at your treadmill screen to see your stats. Are you trying to compete with me or something? Get your sense of superiority elsewhere! Twats!

jiminycricket said...

I work so hard on the treadmill that no one could read my stats anyways as they're all ticking over so fast.
True story.

Fever Dog said...

Maybe because I do machine weights rather than free weights I manage to avoid most of the arseholes?

Or maybe when I can't think of one, that must mean it's me? Maybe I should cut down on the grunting and hissing...

jiminycricket said...

Hmm.. I think you're onto something there Jay...
I might look into using the machines more. The only reason I use the free weights is because I used them when I was younger, so maybe I need to break the habit.
You couldn't be the asshole- you're on the machines!
Also, unless I'm trying to attract pigs or some sexy snakes, I try to avoid grunting and hissing.