All Aboard the Douche-Train.

Public Transport.
Now there's a topic no one EVER has anything to complain about!
But seriously, today was different. Tube journey was fine. All the way until I was a few stations from home.
I thought we stopped at Earl's Court, but apparently we stopped at Douche Park.
Captain Ass-hat and what I assumed to be his long-suffering girlfriend/wife boarded the train.
The guy was an arrogant South African who wore a pleather jacket, corduroy jeans and brown brushed-leather shoes. Oh, and his hair was slick, centre-parted and so greasy it looked like he was secreting enough oil to warrant a 'war on terror' on his scalp. (Ooh, political!)
Upon sitting down opposite me, he began his rant.
As you're all probably well aware, I'm partial to a bit of a rant myself. However I don't rant with a captive audience. You can click away at any time.
But I couldn't get the fuck away from this guy. He spoke at his partner, but for the benefit of everyone else.
"Don't expect anything in England. People are useless. Everyone does the bare minimum and don't ever expect anyone to have your back. It's disgusting. People are so lazy and I'm the only one who does anything at work. That Jodie, she's absolutely useless and I'll be the first one to laugh upon her demise after the boss reads my email about her. She makes terrible decisions and I hope she gets fired."
Way to alienate everyone within earshot, chump. I bet you have heaps of friends.
Moving to England and insulting English people on the tube is like going to Mardi Gras and complaining about street parades or going to Utah and picketing against mormons. You're gonna get hated at.
So while his voice boomed throughout the carriage, his wife sunk her head and nodded in embarrassed silence. I felt so sorry for her. If this guy was an egg, he'd have a little red ink dot marking that read "Class 1 free range asshole"
Now, before you go calling me a hypocrite, I'm conceding that I too sometimes have similar views on the English work ethic (except all you super English people that read this, you're ace.) but I usually air my grievances to The Girl in the comfort of our flat or to you guys over the internet and I don't publicly criticise the people I'm immediately surrounded by.
The worst part was, you could see this guy took some great satisfaction in knowing everyone could hear him. He was so smug and sure of himself that I wanted to vomit on his poncey brown shoes and press little wrinkles into his corduroy jeans, so he looked permanently disheveled.
In his head, you could see he fancied himself as a master orator. A modern day Marcus Antonius if you will. In reality he came across as a complete fuckwad.
The guy was such an asshole, I could imagine him taking great satisfaction sneaking around at night eating kids' dreams and wiping his sweaty, greasy palms on his corduroy pants.
Unfortunately I've been in London too long and my only reaction to this jackass' shenanigans was to stare at him disapprovingly.
So many people seem to validate their existence by making shitty remarks on public transport. You know when the station manager announces "Due to a signaling fault, the next train is delayed. We suggest you move to the Northern line platform and continue your journey from there." it's almost always followed by a middle-aged suit or a mad cat-lady yelling "Yeah well WE suggest you fix your damn trains!" as they look around nodding, expecting their fellow commuters to be applauding. This is always followed by everyone staring at the ground and quietly hating on the loudmouth. Wow, you're such a genius suit man/cat lady. You're voicing your opinion on things. Ooh and you're using mimicry to comic effect. People must think you're hilarious. Nice one. Go fuck a dog.
It's getting to the point now where I'm sick of people being idiots and I'm going to start saying something.
I'm not going to say just anything though. It'll be something incisive and witty like "Pull your head in" or "Pipe down" or "Go fuck a dog" or something.

Yeah, I'm gonna change the world.