Thursday, January 24, 2008

All Aboard the Douche-Train.

Public Transport.
Now there's a topic no one EVER has anything to complain about!
But seriously, today was different. Tube journey was fine. All the way until I was a few stations from home.
I thought we stopped at Earl's Court, but apparently we stopped at Douche Park.
Captain Ass-hat and what I assumed to be his long-suffering girlfriend/wife boarded the train.
The guy was an arrogant South African who wore a pleather jacket, corduroy jeans and brown brushed-leather shoes. Oh, and his hair was slick, centre-parted and so greasy it looked like he was secreting enough oil to warrant a 'war on terror' on his scalp. (Ooh, political!)
Upon sitting down opposite me, he began his rant.
As you're all probably well aware, I'm partial to a bit of a rant myself. However I don't rant with a captive audience. You can click away at any time.
But I couldn't get the fuck away from this guy. He spoke at his partner, but for the benefit of everyone else.
"Don't expect anything in England. People are useless. Everyone does the bare minimum and don't ever expect anyone to have your back. It's disgusting. People are so lazy and I'm the only one who does anything at work. That Jodie, she's absolutely useless and I'll be the first one to laugh upon her demise after the boss reads my email about her. She makes terrible decisions and I hope she gets fired."
Way to alienate everyone within earshot, chump. I bet you have heaps of friends.
Moving to England and insulting English people on the tube is like going to Mardi Gras and complaining about street parades or going to Utah and picketing against mormons. You're gonna get hated at.
So while his voice boomed throughout the carriage, his wife sunk her head and nodded in embarrassed silence. I felt so sorry for her. If this guy was an egg, he'd have a little red ink dot marking that read "Class 1 free range asshole"
Now, before you go calling me a hypocrite, I'm conceding that I too sometimes have similar views on the English work ethic (except all you super English people that read this, you're ace.) but I usually air my grievances to The Girl in the comfort of our flat or to you guys over the internet and I don't publicly criticise the people I'm immediately surrounded by.
The worst part was, you could see this guy took some great satisfaction in knowing everyone could hear him. He was so smug and sure of himself that I wanted to vomit on his poncey brown shoes and press little wrinkles into his corduroy jeans, so he looked permanently disheveled.
In his head, you could see he fancied himself as a master orator. A modern day Marcus Antonius if you will. In reality he came across as a complete fuckwad.
The guy was such an asshole, I could imagine him taking great satisfaction sneaking around at night eating kids' dreams and wiping his sweaty, greasy palms on his corduroy pants.
Unfortunately I've been in London too long and my only reaction to this jackass' shenanigans was to stare at him disapprovingly.
So many people seem to validate their existence by making shitty remarks on public transport. You know when the station manager announces "Due to a signaling fault, the next train is delayed. We suggest you move to the Northern line platform and continue your journey from there." it's almost always followed by a middle-aged suit or a mad cat-lady yelling "Yeah well WE suggest you fix your damn trains!" as they look around nodding, expecting their fellow commuters to be applauding. This is always followed by everyone staring at the ground and quietly hating on the loudmouth. Wow, you're such a genius suit man/cat lady. You're voicing your opinion on things. Ooh and you're using mimicry to comic effect. People must think you're hilarious. Nice one. Go fuck a dog.
It's getting to the point now where I'm sick of people being idiots and I'm going to start saying something.
I'm not going to say just anything though. It'll be something incisive and witty like "Pull your head in" or "Pipe down" or "Go fuck a dog" or something.

Yeah, I'm gonna change the world.

12 comments:

The Ambiguous Blob said...

You freaking Brits are just as asshol-ish as other cultures but you hold it in better.
You seem all polite and nice and understanding, but inside your heads = !!!
Foolery, it is.

jiminycricket said...

Easy! I'm not a Brit, I'm a peaceful level-headed Aussie. Or something like that.
You're right - The Brits are !!! in their heads, it's scary.
One minute they're all "Who wants a nice cup of tea?" the next they're all stabby crazy eyes because their train is 2 minutes late.

non-Blondie said...

maybe hes a master debator? oh I went there*.

*there = back to primary school. Do you have a gluteus maximus?

Mars said...

firstly, i hope the people on the train didn't think he was australian... to novices, i hear the south african and aussie accent can sound alike...

and secondly, what doesn't 'go fuck a dog' really provide an adequate response to? not much, i'm thinking...

Andrew said...

The Boer sounds like he behaves just like an Englishman abroad.

jiminycricket said...

NB: Girlfriend... Oh dear. you did go 'there'. You get to wear the bad pun crown for a while... A long while.

Mars: Yeah it's an issue. A friend of a friend was really drunk on the tube one night and being completely obnoxious. It was pretty embarrassing to be around, but then he completely redeemed himself by saying loudly "Geez I miss New Zealand" and then whispering to all of us "Now, they won't think I'm an Aussie" whilst giving us the thumbs up. It's a patriotic person that realises they're disgracing their country and can then quickly redirect the shame to our similarly-accented neighbours.

Also, Go fuck a dog is possibly the most versatile response ever.
It smoothly follows all of the following:

"You have five minutes left to live, what are you going to do?"

"May I see your license please sir?"

"Finish this sentence. I want to work for PetWorld because it gives me the opportuntiy to..."

And so many more...

jiminycricket said...

Andrew: You've hit the nail on the head there. So true. We're planning on avoiding the touristy spots over summer because all accounts have them being overrun with obnoxious drunken tourists.

Fever Dog said...

I might have to break out "go fuck a dog" now, when needs arise.

Anonymous said...

"Go fuck a dog."

The all purpose insult.
Works for me.

I passed a toolette on a motor scooter. She was a rolling traffic jam travelling at less than half the speed limit, and weaving all over the lane so that she couldn't be passed. After I passed her she caught up and pulled up beside me at a roundabout, abusing me for being an idiot through my open window.
"Ah, go bite your bum." and wound the window up.
I think she was even more engraged.
Stupid temporary Australian.

kae

Anonymous said...

Well, that buggered that comment up.
I said to her "Ah, go bite your bum."

Boy on a bike said...

Har har.

I was on the tube once when a black woman got on with two rather large and tough looking black gentlemen. They sat down together, and she started to sing hymns at the top of her lungs. No one said boo, as we assumed we'd be beaten by her compadres.

Thing is, they hopped off at the next stop. The bloke next to me put down his FT and yelled out, "Will you please shut the fuck up!"

She glared at him, then moved to the next carriage. We could hear her faintly singing as the train moved off.

The thing is, the poor bloke almost died of embarrasment after that. He hid behind his FT and just squirmed. But all he'd done is articulate what the rest of us wanted to say.

jiminycricket said...

FD: Needs always arise. Do it. I think it's appropriate, even in the upper echelons of society.
"Jeeves, would you kindly duck out and fetch a dog so Lord Thistlewaite, who insisted my white truffle risotto was bland, may take it out side and fuck it post haste."
Or something like that. Let me know how you go with it.

Kae: Toolette! Haha! Awesome. I hope she heard your call through her helmet. Don't get me started on idiots on the road. In fact, keep an eye out as I think I have some postworthy stories...

Kae's edit: Haha, I figured that's what you meant.

Hi BoaB... That's gold. It's those little moments that make tube travel worthwhile. I think you should high five anyone that has the balls to speak up like that. I cracked up when you said you could still hear her faintly in the next carriage.
I'm sure Jesus saw what she was doing, hand made a 'Number One Christian' badge for her and got it FedExed to her overnight.
If I ever see a woman singing hymns on the tube with a number one christian badge now, I'm going to be seriously freaked out. And I'll start going to church.