She did, it's true. And if the fairy tale was set in London, the shoe was probably described as a 'Cosy home, complete with open plan kitchen/lounge, separate loft bedroom and good ventilation.'
It would probably also have cost her about £1000 a month to live in it. I mean, come on! A shoe! Those laces add all kinds of value! You can... umm.. you can... TIE YOUR BIKE UP WITH THEM! Yes, that's right they're the built-in secure bike storage facility. Rent is now £1100 a month. Payable immediately.
That's right folks, it's house hunting time.
The lease on our current hovel is due to expire at the end of February and there's no chance we're staying any longer in the exorbitantly priced cellar we call home.
As such, I've been tee-ing up inspections with people all over London. We're actually going to move across the city to the the Eastside as it sucks serious ass travelling over an hour each way to get to work.
We had some inspections last night. One place was decent and bearable, the other, not so much.
I hereby declare, people, that there is no such thing as a normal house/flat in London. Unless you're a family that has settled in the suburbs somewhere or you're someone that works in magic and can afford to spend the average person's paycheque on rent.
Needless to say, I'm not a family and I don't work in magic anymore... So options are limited.
Actually, no. They're not completely limited.
If you're into mould/mildew/cramped damp space/funky smells/insane flatmates/zoos then there's tonnes of places you'd adore!
The problem here is that there's no regulation of the real estate industry in the UK. Well none I can see anyways.
So if you have a spare bathroom cupboard, you can rent it out as a single bedroom.
In all of the approximately 15 viewings we've made since we've been here, I'd say very few, if any have been normal dwellings.
The problem is descriptions rarely match reality and as such a these places which sound amazing turn out to be rubbish.
As a service to mankind, I'm going to cut through the jargon for you. I'm just that nice.
When they say...
- Located in pleasant suburb
- Small bathroom/toilet
- Double bedroom
- MUST BE CLEAN AND TIDY. Will not stand for plates/cutlery to be left on sink, any items not labelled in fridge will be thrown out.
- Spacious flat
- 2 minute walk to tube, but can also catch bus out the front of house.
- Flatmates like to cook
- 37 year old female flatmate
- Refurbished Edwardian Terrace
- Basement unit
- Super happy housemates. Always up for fun and laughs and going out and even sharing meals.
- WiFi access
-Phone plan with free overseas phone calls to landline
- Sharing with 6 others
- Quaint, but needs some work
What they really mean is...- Pack heat. Shit gets stabby out here.
- We tiled the space under the stairs and put a tap in there.
- Technically a double bed would fit in there. But not a single atom more.
- I'm a psychotic, anal, control freak. You so much as sneeze on a surface and I'll fucking cut you.
- Many people vomit/fuck/piss in out lounge room.
- Oh by fuck, it's tiny!
- You can walk to the tube if you want but you run a high risk of being shot/mugged/raped.
- Our unwashed dishes support a family of mice.
- Cats. Lots of cats.
- Skinny, falling-apart shack.
- Subterranean dungeon of the damned.
- You'll want to extract our eyes with a fork shortly after moving in.
- Dumbass upstairs door has unsecured connection
- Fat homesick girl won't get off the fucking phone.
- Your shower day is: Tuesday
- Do you have any matches?
The list could go on... In fact, we could make this a definitive list... Anyone got any more to add?
PS: Next post will be the meme The Girl tagged me in... Promise!