Monday, February 18, 2008

The SAS, well kind of...

No, I'm not talking bout the Special Air Service. This is something more stealthy and possibly more deadly.
Slimy Ass Slugs.

We have slugs in our house.
Not like pets in a terrarium, but rogue night-slugs that sneak in under the cover of darkness, leave trails on the carpet and then exit before anyone awakes.
There are some reasons this scares me.

1) They 'Know'
In the same way that Scientologists 'Know'. But somehow it's worse than listening to/watching Tom Cruise. The slugs know what time we go to bed and what time we wake. They coordinate their slimy reconnaissance missions whilst we sleep.
That's the bit that chills me. Whilst we sleep...

2) I don't know
I know we have a slugs, but I don't know what they want. Or where they come from or whether their intentions are noble or something altogether more insidious.
There are trails which slide around from behind the stove, into the lounge room, then from there it's hard to tell what their objectives are. There's at least two, maybe three slimy little trails on the carpet. The trails usually come out of the kitchen, go under the dining table and loop around the legs of the chairs maybe two or three times and then arch back around and out behind the stove again. What do they want with our chairs? Do they want to sit down? Can slugs even sit?

3) They eat penis
Yes, that's right. Being hermaphrodites all slugs have both male and female organs. The slugs mating ritual consists of two slugs encircling each other and sperm is 'exchanged through the protruding genitalia'. I imagine this to be kind of like a wet high five. Unfortunately for the slugs, sometimes, the corkscrew-shaped protruding genitalia, which is science-talk for 'wangs' get entangled and the slugs have no other choice but to practice apophallation, which is where one slug chews off the other's penis. How's that for sexy time? Wet high five, followed by having your wang chewed off. Eww and oww.
Not to worry though, because once the penis has been chewed off, the slugs can reproduce using their female genitalia. Hooray! Lady-man-slugs!

4) This:
Oh great. that's just what I need. Hermaphrodite gastropod molluscs with infra-red, motion sensing vision hunting me for sport whilst I sleep. Fuck.
Predator creeped me out when I was a kid. And now I have to relive the horror, albeit in slimy slow motion.

If the slime trails start appearing closer to my room, I'm gonna freak out.

Slimy, stealthy, murderous little bastards.


Mars said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mars said...

i propose that you burn your house down to eradicate the slug problem, lest it spead through-out the whole of london, like the plague. you know... they say the great fire of london was deliberately started to get rid of the plague. IT'S FOR THE GREATER GOOD, JIMINY!

*starts slow clap*

burn... burn... burn...

D'Jen said...


I did not know slugs could live inside! I don't actually think I have ever seen a slug in real life...I have to reconsider this London business now.

What if one crawls in your mouth while you sleep?! Or in your ear!?

I think Mars has the right idea, burn....burn....burn

Mars said...

we don't need no water...

jiminycricket said...

mars: That sounds like a well-thought-out and reasonable plan. Although surely any plague carried by slugs would be a very very slow spreading plague.
Although, like you and your 'flag waving' I may have to make a sacrifice for the greater good.
I can has matches?

d'jen: Slugs live wherever they want. Aint nobody hold a good slug down. Mainly because they're slimy.
I suspect slugs crawl in people's mouths all the time. You know when you wake up and there's a little wet patch on your pillow and a little dry trail out of the corner of your mouth? Maybe it's not drool. Think about it.

mars: Stop inciting arson. Yeesh. You and your gang of bloodhounds.

Andrew said...

It would make getting up in the middle of the night a challenge. lol wet patch on the pillow.

the boy who likes to... said...

Yikes! Thats very scary.
You should try the intelligence of the slugs by sticking a plant pot in the middle of the roo, lined with slug pellets, and see if they fall for the ol "slug-pellet-lined-plant-pot-in-the-middle-of-living-room" routine.
Either that or stay up watching hours and hours of Ray Mears Bushcraft to learn new skills from Apache Indians on how to caputre slugs.

Fever Dog said...

Could they be snails instead? Is that any better?

jiminycricket said...

Andrew: Yeah night-walking is a scary undertaking. Also, shame on you and your bad taste! hehe

Rob: Ha! I'm gonna go with the Ray Mears option. Those Apaches sure know how to catch some slugs.

FD: No, they're not snails... Snails would be much much worse because they're just slugs with battlesuits.

Boy on a bike said...

Yes, we have lots of slugs too - from the kitchen to the lounge room. The worst thing is getting up at 4am, walking into the kitchen in the dark and treading on one in your bare feet.

Done that a few times. The bloody light switch is on the far side of the kitchen, so it has to be navigated in the dark.

I just pour salt on the little fuckers, pick them up in a tissue and chuck them in the bin.

Could be worse. Could be leeches.

jiminycricket said...

boab: That's nasty. I haven't stepped on any yet. But that just makes me think they're even smarter... And have night vision.
I'm glad they're not leeches. I think I'm going to make myself a batman-style utility belt which holds some quick release salt shakers and some tissues.