Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Screw global warming...

Yes, screw it! It's not an issue.
The biggest threat to mankind as we know it is apparently not having EVERYTHING filed in lever arch folders.
Or so my 'manager' at work would have me believe.
I used quotation marks there as she doesn't manage anything. Her day consists of sitting idly, punctuated by innumerable instances of getting up to make tea.
Anyways she pisses me off because she has no idea how to do anything much at all.

My place of work is currently undergoing a lot of staff/process/system changes and part of my job is to work on fixing/tuning these processes.
Which would be fine if this insane bitch didn't keep interrupting my day with her 'ideas'.
Her answer to everything without fail, includes the words '...and file it in a lever arch folder.'
Fuck off with your outdated filing.
Emails? Don't create folders in your mail client. Print them out and keep them in a lever arch folder!
Need a new lever arch folder? They're filed in a lever arch folder labelled 'Lever arch folders'.
I kid you not, this woman's idea of managing people is surrounding them with towers of goddamn folders.

I've told her that I am not using folders as everything I do is saved on the server, but she just goes into a talk about how when she used to work at blah blah blah 10 years ago, she found it worked best when they put everything in folders and blah blah blah... FUCK OFF!
You grew up before gameboys. You probably used an abacus. In your day the only mouse you had lived behind your wood-fired oven. She plays dumb instead of trying to learn anything...
I mean this woman can't even add two cells together in excel. Puppies learn that in obedience classes these days.
Half of my day is spent showing her how to change settings in word, or print a letter or search for a person in the database and she has the gall to offer me advice on how to work more efficiently. She also has time to email all her friends and screw around on the internet. How about we print out all the sex disease support group sites from your browser history and put that in a lever arch folder!? Huh?

Meh, I'm feeling pretty uninspired at the moment.
Hopefully I'll get to hate someone on the tube tomorrow and you can all read about that.

Goodnight peeps.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Try a different tack with the woman. Walk into her office with a memory stick. Tell her that this little stick can hold all her little secrets as well as the contents in 1000 lever arch folders. Ask her if she'd like to touch it.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

create a shared file structure on a server and call it lever arch folders. Put everything there. When she asks you where all the folders are, point to her moniter and say... in the lever arch folders, just like you asked for.

Amanda said...

Hilarious! "You grew up before gameboys."

HAHA. I spent months saving for a gameboy when I was about, oh, 11 or 12, I guess it was. I only ever had one game... I think I lost interest after I'd actually bought it.

"I mean this woman can't even add two cells together in excel. Puppies learn that in obedience classes these days."

You sure your boss isn't actually my boss? With the obvious problem that mine is male and yours is female, and on opposite sides of the world, I really do think they could be one and the same.

Anonymous said...

I'm a cynic, so I suspect this underachieving manager of yours actually owns shares in an lever-arch folder company... she's pimping her product shamelessly.

But this is all evidentiary proof toward one of life's greatest mysteries: how do incompetent morons get to be managers in the first place? (can be alternatively phrased as: who and what did she have to suck/do in order to get to that position?)

kiki said...

i think you should "squeeze" her out of a job

Fever Dog said...

Maybe you should put together a lever-arch file of all the stupid things she does and then present it to her manager? Also, tell her that even if one day the computers do become self aware (if they aren't already) it won't matter if your stuff was saved on the server or in a lever arch file... You will have to work together with the machines to face down the threat of global warming.

Anonymous said...

Hi Dude, just working my way from here down...
The only good thing about my current job is THERE IS NO FILING to speak of. I HATE FILING. Everything I need is on the computer and saved on the server. I only need very few paper trails, and I only need to keep the stuff for about 12 months, then I shot it out.
Hoofuckenrah for that!

However, I hate my job.


Mars said...

a couple of my co-workers and i used to have the conversation of say... if we uh, maybe decided to shoot up our work place, who we'd go for first and why.

sounds like you've got your number one already...

the boy who likes to... said...

What you should do is stick a computer in a lever arch folder, then next time she asks you to do something, simple say "its done" and point to said lever arch folder.

jiminycricket said...

GB: Good idea. Although i don't ever want anyone to overhear me in my manager's office asking her to 'touch it'.

Tab: She's seriously so dense that I think it would probably work. Except I'd find her gluing pages to her screen so they stayed in the folder.

Amanda: Ah, the thrill of the chase... I wasn't allowed to buy video games when i was younger. I had more a 'go pile some rocks into the shape of a truck and push them around' kind of upbringing. My boss is the ying to your boss' yang.

Dune: it's exactly that! And she spends all day checking her share prices rise as we order more and more of the damn files.
I do not want to know what/who this woman had to suck/do to get where she is. It makes me feel good about what I can achieve though, if someone like her can be earning as much as she is...

Kiki: haha.. Damn straight.. I'll file her in a folder labelled obsolete.

FD: You really took that and ran with it, hey! If the computers do become self aware, they'll slap her face and say 'What the hell have you been doing woman!?" I may compile all the instances of her stupidity, even if it is just for my own entertainment.

Kae: I envy you and your lack of filing. In my old job the only paper on my desk was for my scribbling on. I miss those simpler times. Hey, when you gonna get yourself a blog to air your work grievances?

Mars: Shooting up my workplace would be super easy as there's only 4 of us now. The rest left due to non-shooting related things, in case you were worried. Another good game is guess which colleague has the worst personal hygiene. My 'boss boss' wins that one after telling the story about her and her husband sharing bathwater because they don't want to pay to get a proper shower installed. What the fuck kind of house doesn't have a shower!?

Rob: They made the Macbook Air for that exact purpose. I'd love to see her face if I opened up a folder and handed her a laptop.