Sunday, February 24, 2008

Seven immutable rules...

... for the toilet.

It's alright though, I'm not going to give you a run through (pardon the pun) of some nasty poo rules. Today I'll be giving you the rules of peeing.

Now ladies, you're probably aware that us guys have the benefit of not sitting down to pee. We get the shiny urinal to piss into, which would appear to be convenient, hygienic and doesn't require us to put our ass on something that is still warm from another person's ass. This sounds like a completely good thing with no downsides. And it would be if people were able to follow the Seven Rules of Peeing, which I have developed just now.

1) Always leave a one-person-space buffer where possible.
Do not come and stand beside me and make downs with your zip. Go stand over there where there is heaps of space and absolutely no chance of us crossing the streams and causing a "total protonic reversal".

2) Do not engage in conversation whilst engaged in urination.
Piss talks are not cool. They're possibly the most awkward social situation ever. I don't want to hear how totally wasted you are/upset you are that your girlfriend hates you/your opinions on the inferior quality of the cocktails/reasons why the chick that just knocked you back is a lesbian.
We're two men holding our penises in a tiny room. It's weird already. Stop making it weirder.

3) Don't address another man's wang. Ever.
I don't care if it's big, small, diamond encrusted, semi-automatic or French. You should never in any way address another urinators (I'm just gonna run with that, even though it's not a word) member. Not even in passing or indirectly. Feel free to breach this rule if you are in the market for black eyes and/or broken noses.

4) Learn and implement some physics theories. Or at least some basic principles of fluid dynamics.
Your piss hitting the urinal at 90 degrees results in splatter. Splatter is the ultimate no-no.
There's a thousand angles you can opt for, depending on the shape of the urinal which will avoid you splattering everyone within a 6 foot radius.
There's nothing worse than when you suddenly realise tiny droplets of some fuckwad's piss are glistening in the hair on your arm or leaving little dots on the leg of your jeans. The worst thing is you can't address this in any way without breaching rule number 3. Your only option is to shuffle away from the splatter and hope that they don't have crazy asparagus acid-piss that's going to leave burns.

5) Wash your fucking hands, you filthy sloth.
It's called water and you wash your hands with it. You can even use soap and if you're feeling like it, dry your hands too! This is so that you're not putting your piss on anyone else. You already pissed on the guy beside you Captain Splatters, the least you can do is not touch everyone else with your Super Manky Genito-Hands. Plus your urine soaked hands smell like homeless. Chicks are not into homeless.
If not for hygiene, do it for the ladies. If you've had to read this far to go, "Ok, i'll do it, but only for the ladies" then you sir, are an asshole. An unwashed filthy asshole.

6) Don't make noises.
Seriously. Urinating involves relaxing certain muscles. Relaxing implies there is no requirement for physical exertion. Why are you groaning?
Also, deeply exhaling whilst you're urinating makes it sound like you're masturbating. Stop it. It's nasty and you're creeping me out. If pissing in a room full of men is the closest you come to sexual satisfaction you should seriously look into seppuku. (Not to be confused with bukkake, which coincidentally also requires a room full of men. Eww. Sorry)

7) Pants stay up.
You don't need to pull your pants down to pee, you degenerate. (I've seriously seen a guy do this. It made my brain vomit.)

Now go forth, print these out and put them up in your local pub/bar/school/place where people urinate. If need be, add your own tag and perhaps a poorly spelled comment about someone sucking balls. This should add 'cred' to the rules and increase compliance.

Thanks in advance for your assistance.


Amanda said...

I wish I was a guy and could pee standing up. Also because then I would have cause to go into the men's toilets and put this on the wall.

"If not for hygiene, do it for the ladies". Hehe.

Technodoll said...

I think I need to hire you to write more shit that makes me scream in laughter - my man thinks I'm crazy though so I had to read it to him to prove IT'S NOT ME IT'S THE CRAZY GUY! he's a brit though so he gets it. he he.

non-Blondie said...

Jiminy, the internet doesn't need to know about your wingle-dangle. There are enough penises online already.

J-Money said...

You referenced Ghostbusters in a list of pee rules. I love you.

jiminycricket said...

amanda: Yeah, but at least you're separated by stalls... I would get annoyed though if I had to sit down all the time.

technodoll: I charge 50 dollars per paragraph. No guarantees on humour. I'll take 'crazy guy' as a compliment too!

girlfriend: There is waaay too many penises online. The internet is like a giant genital depository sprinkled with ads for animated emoticons.

j-money: Don't love me- Love Egon Spengler. He's responsible for the technology that made the reference possible. You should also love him for having the best 80's science fiction name ever.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you saw a dude drop his pants to piss. Unreal.

Fever Dog said...

You forgot the rule about, along with not addressing another man's bald-headed giggle-stick, you should also not look directly at it, either.

jiminycricket said...

survivingmyself: I know... Stupid two year olds. Nah, he was a fully grown dude. Maybe not mentally though...

FD: I'm going to pretend you didn't actually call it that.... And yes, that is the golden rule. Consider the rules to be 8 strong now then.

Technodoll said...

it was totally a compliment - my sides still hurt. i think i may be able to afford you after i sell a kidney though. how patient are you?

Gnugs said...

I thought you should know that I took your advice and posted this at a local bar. (I don't know what they did with it, since I was kicked out for going into the guy's bathroom. I'm going to let them cool down and give you an update.)

jiminycricket said...

technodoll: haha... Save your kidneys, I'll just keep writing rubbish anyways! Coincidentally, I'm probably one of the least patient people I know.

gnugs: YOU WIN EVERYTHING! You da man! Well, obviously not or you wouldn't have been kicked out, but that's awesome. So many high fives.