Thursday, March 13, 2008

Reasons I love Edinburgh

This morning I decided to not sit in on the things I had organised for work. Instead I decided to do the tourist thing and go for a stroll around Edinburgh. Being daft I decided to do this in t-shirt and thin jumper.
Hello, dumb-ass. You're in Edinburgh. Put some fucking clothes on.
Needless to say i got cold pretty quickly.
I ventured back and got my jacket, laptop and my hat. (Yes, the one the homeless guy was into)
All packed up and looking like such a tourist that even some Japanese ladies with visors, big fuck-off cameras and pants-suits pointed at me and yelled 'Stupid tourist!", I set off. Within 15 minutes I had decided that Edinburgh is the awesome.

These are the reasons why:

- I climbed the Scott Monument. Awesome panoramic views over the harbour, old town, mountains and castle. On my way back down I noticed the best graffiti ever.
"Peanut woz ere. 15-7-79"
This on the world's largest ever monument created in honour of a writer.
Fucking poetic. Nice one Pea.

- I swear I've seen Christopher Lambert waiting for a bus at least 5 times. It's disconcerting to say the least. One guy even grabbed me and said "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!... more minute until this bus arrives, I've been waiting for ages."
I'm lying again. But seriously, there's heaps of dudes that look like they're an Immortal from Highlander.

- Through a completely random series of occurrences, I just snapped myself a photo of the First Minister of Scotland (Which is their version of a Prime Minister) arm in arm with two guys who were protesting against the proposed changes to Scottish immigration law which will mean no more Curry chefs will be allowed to migrate from India. Or something to that effect. Anyways, I somehow found myself out the front of the Scottish Parliament, then I saw these guys with funny hats holding boards with all kinds of wicked slogans like "Save Curry!" The next thing I know I see them all huddled around someone and I think "CAPTAIN CURRY HAS COME TO SAVE THEM"
But no, it's the prime minister of fucking Scotland, wearing a little white curry chef's hat hugging all these Indian dudes. I took a photo because it's not every day you see the leader of a nation hugging a guy who's occupation involves giving people diarrhoea.

- I found a shop that sells Scottish souvenirs called 'Thistle do nicely'. Best regional-based store-name pun so far.

- I saw two dudes walking around in V for Vendetta masks. Which I thought was totally lame and if I had my way, I'd tie them to a stake and put fireworks in their eyes. But, Jeebus had taken care of things for me. So rather than forcing me to you know, commit murder or something, he just made these dudes such massive nerds that they still had to wear their massive coke-bottle glasses on the outside of the masks!
Ha! Way to be a revolutionary, Captain Degenerative Ocular Faculties. I decided his sidekick was called Myopia Man.

- I saw the Edinburgh School of English. Which sounds funny and weird to me. Probably sounds weirder to someone who doesn't speak English.

- I threw a pebble at a pigeon and hit it.

- I saw a tiny orange tractor driving up the steepest hill ever. Seriously, it was the size of a small ride-on lawnmower, but with a fully enclosed cabin and stuff.
What, no one else finds this funny? Fuck you. Go see television and tell it you want your imagination back. Also get it to eviscerate Ray Romano or whatever the fuck his name is. God I despise that guy. Also tell it to go drop off a map and a helicopter to the poor bastards on Lost. For fucks sake. Someone sort their shit out for them. How long can you not know where you are for? Tards.

Did I just lose COMPLETE TRACK of what I was talking about? The Scottish drunkard reading over my shoulder said "Aye, yer doom foch." Shut up, Christopher Lambert.

- There's a massive number of gingers over here. They have hair that's like, blazing red. Which makes me look like a brunette. (I have somewhat auburn hair. Shutup.) Finally I feel like I fit in. It's like I'm a monkey that was separated from my monkey crew when I was a monkey baby and made to walk around crashing cymbals together and wearing a fez and now I've finally been reunited with my kin. Although now I don't smell like my monkey brethren, so they all claw and bite my face and throw their stinky monkey shit at me.
Umm.. yeah.

I'm going to make a proposal for the Scottish tourist board. My slogan is going to be:

"Come to Scotland and be reunited with you monkey homies whilst the eyes of a thousand Christopher Lamberts and gingers burn into the back of your skull. Also you can throw things at pigeons and you'll actually hit them."

So yeah, that's why I love Edinburgh.

Photo evidence to come soon.


Gnugs said...

I am so jealous! Gimmie pictures, and giv'em now! ;)

surviving myself said...

that sounds like heaven. and nice job on the pigeon.

Mars said...

and scotland only get better the further north you go. to the highlands, jiminy!

Amanda said...

So jealous. Scotland is so much better than London, but the weather would be too depressing in the winter.

Fever Dog said...

You wouldn't have thrown a pebble at that pigeon had it been a tiger. Edinburgh sounds fun, in a very surreal sort of way.

Misssy M said...

Funny, I was in Paris last month and I thought I kept on seeing Lambert in the Metro. You know, running about in a tux with platinum hair.

Being Scottish and not generally doing any touristy things in my own country, I haven't done this but apparently the Edinburgh dungeons tour is amazing. There's a whole network of scary caverns underneath the city that'll scare the bejesus out of you.

Technodoll said...

If you like pigeons so much, you should try them in a pie ;-)

Can't wait for the photos!

Kiala said...

OMG. I just know if I ever went to Scotland I would finally have my first Quickening.

Girl Friday said...

I have always suspected I was born in the wrong country or seperated from my homies at birth. I hope they don't throw poo at me when I find them though. I also hope they come from a place with good food. I think they do because food is good and good food is better. I hope it's sunny too, unlike Edinburgh.

jiminycricket said...

gnugs: Pictures soon- Just have to find some time to sneak them up at work.

sm: Yeah, it's a pretty ace city. And cheers on the pigeon- I was super stoked.

mars: TO THE HIGHLANDS!!! Hells yeah, I'm looking to get back up there as soon as possible.

amanda: Yeah, just quietly Scotland is awesome. Although East London is really good too and my general hatred towards london is dissipating somewhat.

fd: lol... Bullshit. I throw pebbled at anything. I'm just tough like that. Edinburgh is super fun.

missy m: lol - it probably was actually him. I saw the dungeon tours and think I will definitely do that when I go back. I'll post photos.

technodoll: Eww! Pigeon Pie? ok, ok- I'll post photos!

kiala: lol... Who are you planning on beheading though?

girl friday: I'm sure your homies are way cooler than my monkey homies. And everywhere is sunnier than Scotland, so you should be safe on that front too.