Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A snapshot...

Non Blondie: You bought more bread! We've got so much bread in the freezer now.

Me: Yeah we have heaps of bread and bread related products.

NB: We almost have as much stuff in there as the others.*

Me: Yeah, but at least our bread is whole, edible bread, not just random gross bits that no one else wants, like a bag full of umm... bread rind or something.

[Long pause]

Me: Uh, when I said bread rind, I meant crust.

NB: Do you always have to do things the hard way?

This conversation exists because our flatmates have filled the freezer with the offal and other junk that they eat which includes, but is not limited to chicken feet, chicken heads, chicken liver and some unidentifiable part of a pig which may or may not be genital in nature.
That's right- Imagine coming home from work to a bowlful of fried chicken's heads peering up at you, their beaks suspended mid-squawk and their beady little eyes all shriveled and raisin-like in appearance. Then imagine thinking "What smells like a homeless man's warm, urine-soaked pants?", then you spy a pot on the stove and realise it's the source of the smell and then you think "OH MY GOD THEY ARE BOILING A POT OF URINE!", but then you open the pot and realise that instead it contains some weird things and some more chicken parts, then you throw up in your mouth a little before running up the stairs into your room and spraying so much Febreeze into their air that it coats the inside of your lungs and every time you sneeze, crisp, freshly laundered linen flies out your nose.


Enny said...

enny = vegan


Girl Friday said...

I can't stop laughing long enough to type. For the love of god, tell us where your flat mates hither from to save us all from moving in with people of this origin!

Andrew said...

Can't help but thing that you will be grateful to be back in Australia and living in a hostel.

Amanda said...

Oh dear. I used to live in a residential hall with a high proportion of students from South East Asia, and often the menu would reflect that. Fish head soup, anyone?

non-Blondie said...

You forgot the important part:

[long pause in which Jiminy leaves the room and walks part of the way down the stairs, then re-enters to correct himself]

Your readers will never forgive you if you don't give them the whole story.

Gnugs said...


My grandfather used to chew on pickled chicken's feet. I thought it was a toothpick, until I asked him to stop chewing on it, so that I could understand his broken english. Well, he took it out alright, and set it down in the middle of our card table. Needless to say he won, and I have never been able to play trisette again.

Fever Dog said...

MMmm-mmm. Chicken heads. I lie awake at night, hoping that I will come home to a bowl of fried chicken heads.

In bizarro world.

kiki said...

dude, are your flatmates eastern european?

Dune said...

You've made me appreciate my roommate SO much more

surviving myself said...

chicken heads??? get the fuck out of here. Is that a London thing?

jiminycricket said...

enny: zomg! This would be the worst ever for you then. I'm sorry.

girlfriday: I think they're from Korea, but I don't think their behaviour is indicative of all Koreans. In terms of personal hygiene, they are to Korea as Michael Moore is to the western world.

Andrew: No hostels for me! I'll be so grateful when I get home and find a nice place in the inner east.

amanda: No thankyou. I'll pass on the fish head soup. Funnily enough The Girl told me that when she got home last night, they had two big fish (I pictured Blue Marlin) sitting in the sink.

Girlfriend: Yes, that is a more accurate representation of the events. Thank you for your voluntary editing services.

gnugs: Haha.. A three pronged toothpick! Ew... That's really gross though. No one should eat the feet of anything. I'm sorry it ruined your burgeoning tresette career.

fd: lol... Yes, it is bizarro world. When you walk into our house you are greeted by a flamingo in a top hat. And some pigeons with arms.

kiki: Funnily enough, two of them are. But the offending ones aren't. I mentioned to the eastern europeans how I thought that the whole chicken heads/feet was gross and they shrugged and informed me that they were into that scene as well.

dune: Yes, appreciate your flatmate and inhale the sweet smell of proper, non-offal food.

chris: Ha. Yeah it sucks balls. It's not a London thing though. In London they eat offal from every other animal, just not chicken.