Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Like all decent humans, I hate Crocs.

I just found out that I am the only person in my office that is vehemently opposed to the wearing of Crocs. If you don't know what crocs are, you must live in one of the few remaining pristine, Croc free zones. Consider yourself lucky.
It pains me to even capitalise the word Crocs as it feels like I'm validating their existence.
Apparently, my colleagues think Crocs all sorts of things, like 'nifty' and 'lightweight' and worst of all, 'funky'.
This differs from my description of Crocs which often includes words such as 'fucked', 'shithouse' and 'slap-in-the-face-to-all-thinking-humans.'

Goddammit people, what the fuck?

Although I may have overstepped the mark in expressing my dislike for them whilst conversing with the banshee manager (The BM).

The BM: Oh yeah, my family all have crocs, even my little boy has a pair and he loves them! In fact, we all went to go out the other day and I said to my husband, "We can't all go out wearing crocs! Hahaha!"

Me: Ha, yeah because I know if I saw a whole family wearing crocs, I'd drive up over the kerb and run them over! Bam! Natural Selection! Hahaha!

The BM: [Shocked look accompanied by awkward silence.]

Me: [As my maniacal laughter fades] Err... Yeah, I'm gonna make lunch now.

Does anyone know if there's an animal that's higher up the food chain than the crocodile? I can't think of one. If I could I would make a pair of shoes and call them "[Abbreviated term for an animal higher up the food chain than the crocodile]" and their soles would be made from melted down Crocs and the upper would be made from the skin of the people I caught wearing Crocs in public.


Amanda said...

A couple of months back, I had reason to wonder who would win in a fight, shark vs croc. According to much of the internet, the croc wins, unless caught completely by surprise, like at the end of this.

So no, I don't think there is anything higher on the food chain, except humans with large *bang* type weapons.

But I fucking hate Crocs, especially in public. My aunt and uncle wear them around the house, which I can tolerate to an extent (although I do wonder why they don't just go barefoot, this is Australia, not the Swiss Alps)... but step outside in those abominations and I may just have to rip my eyeballs out. I have to walk past a Crocs shop to get to and from work, it makes me feel like a little piece of me died every time I see it.

Sassy said...

Wow, the rage in this is impressive...

Dune said...

Who ARE these people??? And, more importantly, why are you suffering their idiotic presence? No travel plans are worth this!

Anyone who likes Crocs deserves to die or, at the very least, have their mind studied for Complete Lack Of Any Taste Whatsoever.

Rage is entirely justified.

Technodoll said...

and that is all I'm going to say about it :-)

Fever Dog said...

I think for the good of humanity this woman needs to be shot in the face. I did accidentally write shit in the face, and excusing the bad grammar, that's not such a bad punishment either.

Seriously though folks, I'd rather saw off my own feet at the ankles than wear Crocs. Seeing whole families of them together makes that red mist descend...

Mars said...

could a shark kill a croc? what about a whale?

Amanda said...

Mars could be onto something there! It's probably more likely that sharks and crocs would be in the same patch of water, but it could happen! Whales that eat large objects (as opposed to the ones that just seive the ocean for little things) could totally beat a croc in a fight!*

* That's a highly scientific sentence right there.

jiminycricket said...

amanda: Ah yes! Of course! Thundersticks! Shotgun beats croc.
That's like level 59 of rock, paper, scissors. Everytime someone wears crocs, 12 baby elephants perish (Source: none).

sassy: Yes, but only because crocs are so unimpressive!

dune: These people are cancer. And I'm all for fiddling with her brain. Not for science, just mostly
so I can make her punch herself.

technodoll: Gold! The Do's and Don'ts have eaten so many of my workhours in the past. Hits the nail on the head though. Thanks for the link!

fd: You are a bad man. First Chasey Lain. Now this. What of you? You're right about the red mist too.

mars: whales would kill a crocs for sure. Whales are awesome:
Penguin Enemy

amanda: haha. Probably the most scientific thing i've ever read!

Girl Friday said...

Rage wells up inside me every time I see a person on the street in these. They aren't even real shoes people! You might as well be wearing those paper things they give you in the £20 pedicure place where you are likely to get a fungal toe infection.
I have, and this is no joke, given the evil eye to people wearing those stupid fucking things in public. The worst bit is the array of colours they come in.
Just thinking about them is getting me all worked up. I think we should start and anger management support group on Facebook for Croc Haters.

Fever Dog said...

Chasey Lain was the Heineken's fault!

Mars said...

heh heh heh..

Kae said...

They're fucking ugly.

Really, really comfortable I hear.

Really, really ugly, I see.

They're the kind of thing that one should only wear around the house, like the daggy, holey tees your husband owns and you keep trying to throw in the rag bag, but he keeps rescuing.


Kae said...

I saw someone wearing a pink croc and a yellow croc at the supermarket yesterday.

I'm sure she had a pair exactly the same at home.

(I think I knew her, but I pretended I didn't see her, shopping mode is such a blessing!)

Anonymous said...

ahahaha... and the new shoes should also come with the foot already inside from the aholes you caught wearing them. especially the socked m-f-ers... they're the worst. or maybe it's the decorated ones. either way i'd vote for anyone who proposed a bill to ban these monstrosities. i thought for sure they'd die out by now, but i run into a new person every month who goes on about how "wonderful" they are. BUT LOOK AT THEM!?!?

Boy on a bike said...

I own a pair and wear them to the beach and the pool - because in summer, the asphalt is about a billion degrees, and going barefoot is not an option.

They have their place.

Unlike tracksuit pants. Anyone seen wearing them should be shot on sight.

P.O.M. said...

I hate crocs more than you do. Luckily Newport Beach is "croc-free" zone. You can tell who the tourists are because they are the only ones wearing them -and we try to run them over frequently.