Sunday, December 23, 2007

'tis the season to be listing.

It's also the season for bad Christmas puns. Righteous!

I know it's time for everyone to make lists of their best things for the year. Or their saddest moments. Or their favourite gluten-free baked goods. And so on. It really is open season on lists. I think lists are the easiest way to fill a post. Hence my adoption of the time honoured technique.
And away they go...

1) The list things I don't really want for Christmas. (I hope Santa's checking this bizzle.)

- The Teatool - This is possibly the most useless invention in the world. Seriously. You can't push your teabag against the side of your cup with your spoon? You have many problems. This does receive points however, for being a perfect amalgamation of Britain's two favourite past-times: Tea drinking and world class laziness
- The Banana Guard - I like this. But don't really eat that many bananas. And in school my lunchbox was generally pretty full, so my bananas didn't really bounce around enough to warrant a protective sheath. I wonder where this item's creator had their 'Eureka!' moment. By the looks of things it was a sex shop. At least they're dedicated to their product and are keeping it in front of the innovation curve. They're even up to Bananaguard 2.0. Riveting.
- Another credit card. No thank you Barclays. Keep your evil taint money away from me. I know your tricks.
- Another card from my grandparents with the motivational advice of 'Don't rain on other people's parades' written in it. Yeah, they are kinda senile but still... Way to give me big ups for my birthday.
- AIDS. Not after last time.

2) Places I wouldn't like to go sleep-walking after dark. Or My Somnambu-list.

- The ghetto street between our house and the supermarket. Shit be real down there. You want an illegal minicab? No problems. Gram of crack? No problems. Ounce of weed? Can do.
- Brixton. Our cab driver got lost once and we ended up in Brixton. He pulled into a sidestreet to recalibrate his satnav and turn around and we were suddenly surrounded by strung out dudes banging on the doors. Locked those doors quick as sticks, I did.
- The Algarve. For obvious reasons. These being me enjoying not getting abducted.

3) List of things which have made me smile and/or laugh this year.

- The girl.- 99 percent of the time anyways.
- The mice at Kings Cross tube station.
- Powder days whilst snowboarding in March. Also, my snowboard.
- The exchange rate of the British Pound to Czech Koruna. Hello uber cheap beer/food/accommodation/tacky souvenirs.
- Bill Bailey's Tinselworm.
- Never Mind The Buzzcocks
- Flight Of The Conchords
- Married To The Sea
- Dinosaur Comics
- Where Are The Dogs Humping
- Perry Bible Fellowship
- Killer Robots From Space
- Travel

4) Things which have made me angry.
- The usual: arrogance, ignorance, overly pushy opinionated people, people at the pub I've never even met who want to start arguments about 9/11 'facts' which they 'read in an official document on the internet' when all I'm trying to do is have a beer with my friends.
- Most probably everything else. Not really. It's been a pretty good year so far. Although people who tow their luggage around on the tube are high on my hate list.

Wow... What rubbish.
I've decided lists are not the way of the future.

Well it's almost Christmas which means I've finished work, it's supposedly festive and venturing anywhere near a shop which sells anything is a serious risk. English people go mental for buying things. Like I've never seen. Primark, for instance resembles the Western Front. Except it's strewn with cut-price basics and high-fashion copies, rather than mutilated bodies. That's excluding the ugg boot section in aisle three. That's no-mans land in there.

In order to get into the christmas spirit, we've purchased some mulled wine, are roasting some meat and intend to sit by our dodgy tinsel christmas tree and watch reruns of Ernest Saves Christmas and Pee-wee's Playhouse Christmas Special until Santa arrives.

Everyone have an awesome Happy Birthday Jesus Day!

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