Friday, December 28, 2007

Christmas and whatnot

So Christmas this year was spent with The Girl's extended family.
It was quite nice actualy, although we did have to deal with a weird in-law...
She was one of those people that insist on organising the minutiae of absolutely everything. She's also a bit manic and possessing of an unknown number of neuroses which lurk ever so slightly below the projected veneer of sanity.
So rather than enjoy giving out gifts and eating a tasty Christmas lunch, we were subjected to a series of tasks, all of which had well defined outcomes and associated expectations.
Fucking hell.

So imagine that you're about to enjoy your tasty Christmas roast lunch and then you're interrupted with the following:
"Ok, so there's how many of us? Nine? Ok, nine. So that means we can probably have about... Wait, how many roast potatoes are there? What? Oh there's parsnip too? Ok, well we probably shouldn't take a lot as it needs to go round. Maybe 1 or 2 potatoes each or something. Depends how many there is really. Will this wine go with this?"
Oh. My. God.
I don't know exactly how many potatoes there are lady. But using a series of highly advanced neural algorithms, I can determine for myself that it wouldn't be reasonable for me to take 10 potatoes.

But it didn't end there.
This kind of retarded analysis applied to everything; setting the table, working out what to watch on tv, how to go about opening the presents, which wine we'd drink.
Luckily, the bathroom door locked or I'm sure she would have been working out a ratio to determine the correct number of squares toilet paper depending on the mass of excreted fecal matter.
Eww, sorry. I even made myself throw up a little.

Aside from this 'Christmas By Numbers' fiasco, the experience was largely enjoyable.
We went through more food than they did at The Biggest Loser post-production party and we drank enough to mildly sedate David Boon.

Now it's almost time for seeing in the new year which at the moment is going to be spent rather quietly, perhaps watching fireworks over The London Eye from Southbank or somewhere romantic whilst swilling Lambrini from the bottle. Yep, I sure know how to please the laydeez.*

*Not to be disputed, thank you non-Blondie.

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