Douche alarm! DOUCHE ALARM!!!

If anyone is feeling a bit down and out or is questioning their validity as a human or thinks they are the scummiest piece of worthless crap on the planet may I offer you some kind words?

K, thanks, here's they are.

-At least you're not this guy.-

Wow.
Choas, I bow before your illiterate, bigoted, numb-skulled, assholish douche-a-rama.

Seriously. Choas? Did a butterfly flap its wings somewhere and the resulting winds rearraged the letters in your name?

For those of you who are too lazy/retarded/weak to click the link, here's a small slice of the fried gold that is Choas' ripping entry on his CRAZY, but totally SMOOTH pick-up efforts.

" I was dancing with a girl from my work that were just friends and I would just go up and start like grinding on other chicks from behind my friend in front and be like sry and stuff.."

Wow... And I thought I knew some assholes.
In their heads, the above movement is called a Sex Sandwich of Hot Lust and Sexy Sexness.
To the poor, poor girl trapped between Choas and his friend, who I'm going to call Disordre, it's a Vomit Inducing Asshole Sandwich With A Side Of Sweaty Palms And Tiny Pokey Boners.

And before you say anything, I am very happy with my girlfriend and I came across this through a google search gone awry. I would never ever want to associate with any of this 'Pickup Artist' nonsense. Subway Sandwich Artists are more artist than you are, Choas. Plus, the sandwiches at Subway never involve two sleazebags and unsolicited grinding.

Unless you opt for the Skeezy Mystery Footlong. Which I'd recommend you don't.


Choas, you are douche of the week. Congrats.

Seven immutable rules...

... for the toilet.

It's alright though, I'm not going to give you a run through (pardon the pun) of some nasty poo rules. Today I'll be giving you the rules of peeing.

Now ladies, you're probably aware that us guys have the benefit of not sitting down to pee. We get the shiny urinal to piss into, which would appear to be convenient, hygienic and doesn't require us to put our ass on something that is still warm from another person's ass. This sounds like a completely good thing with no downsides. And it would be if people were able to follow the Seven Rules of Peeing, which I have developed just now.

1) Always leave a one-person-space buffer where possible.
Do not come and stand beside me and make downs with your zip. Go stand over there where there is heaps of space and absolutely no chance of us crossing the streams and causing a "total protonic reversal".

2) Do not engage in conversation whilst engaged in urination.
Piss talks are not cool. They're possibly the most awkward social situation ever. I don't want to hear how totally wasted you are/upset you are that your girlfriend hates you/your opinions on the inferior quality of the cocktails/reasons why the chick that just knocked you back is a lesbian.
We're two men holding our penises in a tiny room. It's weird already. Stop making it weirder.

3) Don't address another man's wang. Ever.
I don't care if it's big, small, diamond encrusted, semi-automatic or French. You should never in any way address another urinators (I'm just gonna run with that, even though it's not a word) member. Not even in passing or indirectly. Feel free to breach this rule if you are in the market for black eyes and/or broken noses.

4) Learn and implement some physics theories. Or at least some basic principles of fluid dynamics.
Your piss hitting the urinal at 90 degrees results in splatter. Splatter is the ultimate no-no.
There's a thousand angles you can opt for, depending on the shape of the urinal which will avoid you splattering everyone within a 6 foot radius.
There's nothing worse than when you suddenly realise tiny droplets of some fuckwad's piss are glistening in the hair on your arm or leaving little dots on the leg of your jeans. The worst thing is you can't address this in any way without breaching rule number 3. Your only option is to shuffle away from the splatter and hope that they don't have crazy asparagus acid-piss that's going to leave burns.

5) Wash your fucking hands, you filthy sloth.
It's called water and you wash your hands with it. You can even use soap and if you're feeling like it, dry your hands too! This is so that you're not putting your piss on anyone else. You already pissed on the guy beside you Captain Splatters, the least you can do is not touch everyone else with your Super Manky Genito-Hands. Plus your urine soaked hands smell like homeless. Chicks are not into homeless.
If not for hygiene, do it for the ladies. If you've had to read this far to go, "Ok, i'll do it, but only for the ladies" then you sir, are an asshole. An unwashed filthy asshole.

6) Don't make noises.
Seriously. Urinating involves relaxing certain muscles. Relaxing implies there is no requirement for physical exertion. Why are you groaning?
Also, deeply exhaling whilst you're urinating makes it sound like you're masturbating. Stop it. It's nasty and you're creeping me out. If pissing in a room full of men is the closest you come to sexual satisfaction you should seriously look into seppuku. (Not to be confused with bukkake, which coincidentally also requires a room full of men. Eww. Sorry)

7) Pants stay up.
You don't need to pull your pants down to pee, you degenerate. (I've seriously seen a guy do this. It made my brain vomit.)


Now go forth, print these out and put them up in your local pub/bar/school/place where people urinate. If need be, add your own tag and perhaps a poorly spelled comment about someone sucking balls. This should add 'cred' to the rules and increase compliance.

Thanks in advance for your assistance.

Gym-iny Cricket

Ah the gym......
A place where like-minded people can gather, exercise and together, work towards their goals of ultimately achieving a healthier lifestyle and being a fitter/stronger/faster/slimmer person.
HA! Yeah right!
I was never really into gyms. Growing up, I was pretty isolated out on the farm... Not too much in the way of fitness centres. Nonetheless, I was and still am fairly fit and active. I played footy at an interstate level, I play mixed netball in a well regarded comp(Shush, it's an awesome game and if you're hating at me, I don't care), I snowboard, I slalom waterski and I run. Plus I did half-finish a degree in exercise science... That must count for something? It doesn't? Crap.
When I was younger the closest gym to me was about a 25 minute drive away. Unfortunately, the town the gym was located in had a... how do I do this tactfully... particularly unpleasant group of Italians that had a pretty rough reputation.
I hated them and unfortunately, the gym was their home. I mean, where else can one go to oil up their muscles, whistle at other guy's girlfriends whilst the guy is standing right there (it happened) and generally impose yourself on normal, easygoing people.
This bought about a distinct disdain for this particular gym and until I had settled in here in the UK (and by settled, I mean put on a bad number of kilos) I never ever wanted to go to a gym again.
Aforementioned kilos necessitated a gym membership however, and I joined the local one. Committing to pay a ridiculous amount to pick up heavy things and run on the spot inside their building, I pushed my hatred of gyms aside and entered with an open mind.
Which was promptly jammed shut.
My gym schedule consists of the following: free weights, treadmill, rowing machine, the circuit room and occasionally a yoga/body balance class.
I don't ask for much and I'm fairly autonomous, however there's another group of twats who've made my new gym their home.

"In just twelve weeks, you too can become a smarmy asshole! Wait.. What? You can see my wang? Shit."

This time it's the Polish Mafia. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not stereotyping or anything of the sort, it's just that this particular group of 8 or so guys really fucking shit me.
I sit on an empty bench and pick up some weights.
"Escoos me.. You be long?"
Yes I will be. I just sat down, so wait your fucking turn. Asshole.
So then the intimidation starts. Whilst I'm lying on the bench lifting away, one of them comes and stands right beside me, flexing and posing as he looks intently into the mirror.
Again, another of them will come up and ask "You be there much longer?"
Fuck. Right. Off.
I've been on here for 5 minutes, there's 50 other things you could be doing, but you've decided you want my bench.
It's horrible, the entire weights area is like their own little masturbatorium where they all stand around flexing and stroking each others biceps whilst rubbing their tiny steroid-shrunken hard ons.
OK, the last bit's not true, but the rest is.
They insist on yelling with every single rep. Bwoa! Bwoa! Bwoa! Bwoa! Ad infinitum.
Yes, we get it. You're lifting a heavy thing. Well done.
Not only that but they all walk around hissing when they exhale and standing over anyone else that's working out.
I think it might be a testosterone overload and they have to vent the excess hormone before they rupture a deltoid or something.
Why do people have to bring so much attitude to the gym?
No wonder there's women's-only gyms... If I was a girl, there's no way I'd want these assholes ogling me every time I walked past.
Can't people just work out without having to flex in the mirror every two reps?

Anyways enough of the ranting... I just had to get it out of the system.

Aside from the Polish Mafia. I like the gym. And now non-Blondie is working some nights, I get really bored, so the gym is a good place to whittle away the time.
Plus I can probably score some cheap horse steroids!

An aside: You know how the hole in a donut is like a little puckered kind of shape? Is it just me or does anyone else think big weightlifter guys look like a whole bunch of donut holes stuck together? Annoying, veiny donut holes. Ha! Best insult ever.

Anyone else have a issue with assholes at the gym? If so, any suggestions for disbanding/eradicating said assholes? Aside from 'Bring the pain' cos that's probably not likely to happen.