Thursday, May 8, 2008

Dear dude that used the toilet at work before me,

Hi.
It's super awesome that you enjoy corn. I like corn too. The good thing about corn is it's in so many foods. Like popcorn. And creamed corn. But you have my respect for sticking with good old fashioned corn kernels. You're a straight shooter. I like that.
If I might just make a little suggestion though; One of the benefits of corn is that it's pretty handy when it comes to the whole nutrient provision stakes. If you want to harness the awesome power that is Corn Energy™, maybe you should try chewing your corn. Not only will it help you digest all that corn, it also means you'll probably choke a bunch less than you currently do whilst trying to woof down those little-kernels-of-joy whole.
The other good thing about chewing your corn is that when I use the toilet after you, I'm not greeted by a tiny armada of yellow buoys, bobbing away in the bowl, marking the area in which you recently shat. As nice as it is to be greeted by your little golden battleships, I do prefer my toilets to be corn-free zones.
If you could look into the whole mastication process, it would be greatly appreciated.
Best of luck with all your future endeavours, corn related and otherwise.

Sincerely,

Jiminy

6 comments:

Andrew said...

Ah, that word is mastication.......silly me. Now a corn floater is different to a pie floater, I hope.

Technodoll said...

You should hold a "bobbing for corn bits" contest, winner gets a set of dentures or sumtin...

Hey I'm all for office spirit :-D

Fever Dog said...

"little golden battleships" fucking legendary mate!

Girl Friday said...

Holy shit (pun intended) I have little tears of laughter running out of the corner of my eyes. Please tell NB as well: DONT GO! England loves you, now you just need to love it back!

Angela said...

Hm. I know more than I wanted to now. But it's a problem that must be addressed. You should write this on a piece of note paper and leave it taped in the bathroom.

Andrea said...

this was flippin' hilarious!


thanks for making my morning!